I'm very happy today! McCain chose a great candidate and I'm really excited for her! This is going to be a great campaign and I'm eager to get this going! McCain-Palin '08! Anywho, today is lists, lists, lists. I'm in a mood and a frenzy on movie lists so that's what I'm doing again. First off, the 25 Best Villains!
25. Grocer- Dan Akroyd (from Grosse Pointe Blank): Why he's great: He's a relentless, assassin with sly dark humor and a great cackle who gets killed by a television to the head. Best Line: Hey if you're looking for a father figure, I'll give you a spankin'!
24. Cruella de Vil- voiced by Betty Lou Gerson (One Hundred and One Dalmatians): Why she's great: She's a rich, snotty bitch obsessed with fur and killing animals so she can look fabulous. The epitome of evil! Best Line: I don't care how you kill the little beasts, but do it, and do it now!
23. Charlie Prince- Ben Foster (3:10 to Yuma): Why he's Great: Although Russell Crowe owned this movie, he became a good guy, unlike his obsessive, crazy sidekick who will kill anyone and anything that gets in his way or prevents him from getting to his boss. Best Line: I hate posses.
22. Tony Perkis- Ben Stiller (Heavy Weights): Why he's great: He's possibly the funniest villain of all time as a crazy, delusional work-out guru who runs a fat camp. His little sidekicks like Sven, the Swedish beefcake, only make him better and crazier! I'm feeling skinny, Tony! Best Line: Repulse the monkey...part the horse's mane.
21. The Duke- Richard Roxborough (Moulin Rouge): Why he's great: The Duke is a dynamic, constantly evolving villain who goes from fruity, spazz to crazy-obsessive rapist. He's hilarious and sinister. Best Line: It's a little bit funny this feeling inside.
20. Hades- voiced by James Woods (Hercules): Why he's great: Muttering quick, hilarious lines throughout the film, Hercules is the witty villain who loves to jump from being calm, cool and collected to a blaming frenzy of fire. Major bi-polar issues. Best Line: Memo to me...Memo to me. Maim you after my meeting.
19. Mr. Smith- Hugo Weaving (The Matrix): Why he's great: He's an evil robot that's so creepy he seems like all the robotic bureaucrats who are out there to get you. Best Line: Never send a human to do a machine's job.
18. Edward the Longshanks- Patrick McGoohan (Braveheart): Why he's great: He's absolutely heartless. Whether he's forcing Scottish virgin brides to sleep with his vassals or throwing his son's gay lover out the window like he's a pillow, he has a black heart always. Best Line: One day you will be king. At least act like one.
17. Caledon Hockley- Billy Zane (Titanic): Why he's great: He's like the'80s jerk- rich, spoiled, cowardly and conceited. He thinks he can do whatever he wants and will go at any lengths to do it. Best Line: Where are you going? What, to him? To be a whore to a gutter rat?
16. Ed Rooney- Jeffrey Jones (Ferris Bueller's Day Off): Why he's great: He is totally horrible and so idiotic, it's great to hate him. Watching him chase Ferris obsessively and getting his big, fat ass kicked is funny every time. Justice against every bad principal. Best Line: I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind! (WTF does that mean?)
15. Hardy Jenns- Craig Scheffer (Some Kind of Wonderful): He's the epitome of the preppy, rich, '80s jerk who gets whatever he wants even though he's an asshole. He thinks he's God and surely isn't, and that's what is so great. Best Line: C'mon, you're a beggar. I want you to beg. You're gonna have to beg.
14. Jackson Ripner- Cillian Murphy (Red Eye): Why he's great: He looks like a psychopath with those eyes and is slimey and creepy, going between being a homocidal freak and semi-rapist who just likes holding control over people. And when his voice gets all jacked up in the end it only makes him creepier and fits him perfectly. It scares you shitless. Best Line: Lisa, whatever female-driven, emotion-based dilemma you may be dealing with right now, you have my sympathy. But for the sake of time and sanity, let's break this down into a little male-driven fact-based logic. One simple phone call saves your dad's life.
13. Kathryn Merteuil- Sarah Michelle Gellar (Cruel Intentions): Why she's great: What's better than an evil, bored, stuck up bitch who likes to ruin people's lives for fun and deflower virgins for sport? Nothing. She is the ultimate bitch. Best Line: I wanna fuck!
12. Scar- voiced by Jeremy Irons (The Lion King): Why he's great: If you're willing to kill your brother and your nephew for power, you're diabolical. If you feel no qualms about it and actually enjoy it, you're pure evil. Best Line: I am ten times the king Mufasa was!
11. The Riddler- Jim Carrey (Batman Forever): Why he's great: Hilarious, eccentric, and just plain crazy, Jim Carrey portrays the wildly funny and psycho Riddler who has so much fun destroying lives and taking over the world. A bad guy you can't help but love. Best Line: Joygasm!
10. Cardinal Richelieu- Tim Curry (The Three Musketeers): Why he's great: He's a cocky, greedy, perverted, hilarious corrupt leader of the Catholic Church. A rare gift. Tim Curry is perfect as this peacock who snivels and slimes and is magnificent doing it. Not to mention his henchman, the bad ex-Musketeer, is also great. Best Line: When Charlie Sheen tries to stop the cardinal and says "You will answer to God", Cardinal shoots Charlie and whispers so hautily, "You first."
9. Lurtz- Lawrence Makoare (The Fellowhsip of the Ring): Why he's great: There are a ton of great bad guys in the Lord of the Rings, but this demonic, monstrous killer is pure evil. From his birth out of the disgusting mud of the Orc mines to his arrival at the Great River where he and Aragorn have their classic fight scene, Lurtz exudes bad-ass bad guy. Best Line: Never really speaks, but does take out his knife and licks it before hurling it at Aragorn. Awesome.
8. Howard Payne- Dennis Hopper (Speed); Why he's great: He's a crazy, smart, obsessive terrorist that knows how to play mind games and psych you out. What kind of freak just terrorizes the public for money and cackles about it? Howard Payne. Best Line: Don't fuck with Daddy! (Yeah, bad-ass)
7. Jafar- voiced by Jonathan Freeman (Aladdin): Why he's great: How can you not love this villain? He walks around with a parrot as his only friend, lusts after the sexy Jasmine, is funny as hell, but also sinister. He has no limits and and just does whatever he thinks of. Check out the scene when he turns into a giant snake. The best scene in the film. Best Line: I think it's time to say good-bye to Prince Ali A Boo Boo.
6. Voldermort- Ralph Fiennes (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire): Why he's great: When you first see that frightening face and see that monster you shake in fear. He is the real life version of your worst nightmares. No words can describe the terror and shock you feel at seeing this villain. Best Line: I want you to look at me when I kill you!
5. Commodus- Joaquin Phoenix (Gladiator): Why he's great: There are no other bad guys in cinematic history in my experience who I have hated as much as Commodus. He is the most selfish, evil, horrid, son of a bitch in a movie and you can't even like him. After everything he does you seriously want to kill him. Best Line: They tell me your son squealed like a girl as they nailed him to the cross. And your wife...moaned like a whore when they ravaged her again ana again ana again... (Ouch)
4. Captain Hook- Dustin Hoffman (Hook): Why he's great: Personally, I think it's the best performance of all time because you don't see a trace of Hoffman. He's all Captain Hook. Hook is a liar, a murderer, a kidnapper, greedy, a pirate and has a damn good time doing it. You love him and you hate him. And when he finally dies you can't help but laugh. Best Line: What the world be like without Captain Hook?
3. Hans Gruber- Alan Rickman (Die Hard): Why he's great: If you've seen Die Hard then you know that this smart, quick, hilarious but diabolical villain almost outshines Bruce Willis he's so damn good. Best Line: Alas, your Mr. Takagi did not see it that way...so he won't be joining us for the rest of his life.
2. Darth Vader- James Earl Jones and David Prowse (Star Wars): Why he's the best: It's obvious. Best Line: No, Luke, I am your father!
1. The Joker- Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight): Why he's great: One of the best performances of all time, Ledger's Joker is dynamic in every way. From a crazy lunatic to a hilarious comedian to a homicidal maniac, he covers the entire spectrum of villains, and nails every one. He's entertaining, scary, funny, demented, and brilliant. The perfect compliment to any hero. Best Line: Every line he says.